The worst year of my life was the year after my divorce. I had turned to alcohol and men for comfort. To say it was a bad year is an understatement. I had written about this in a few of my posts. One of the things that happened was that I spent a night in jail. Looking back on it now, it is a LITTLE humorous but my buddy thinks it is really funny cuz she thinks I should write about it.

So here I am and I am dedicating this post to my best bud Kitty who rescued me from jail that next morning….

I was screwing the neighbor upstairs above me. I thought it was leading to more than fuck buddies but apparently it wasn’t. One night I saw that he had brought this young girl home (she was 20 and he was in his 40’s) and it set me off. I couldn’t believe it. So as usual my reaction was to turn to alcohol. I went out that night and got really drunk. There are details to this story that are fuzzy because of this. I do remember coming home and seeing him and her pressed against the sliding glass door making out! I was furious. I mean my blood was boiling. I usually take things like that and punish myself but making a scene has never been in my character. Not this night!

I stomped up those stairs and pounded on his door. When he didn’t answer I screamed for him. I kept beating on his door and then started to kick it. I kicked that damn door so hard that I broke my big toe. It was really late at night but I didn’t care. Remember my post about rudeness? Talk about disrespecting one’s neighbors. I was yelling, beating on the door to no avail. So I went outside. I was still drinking in between screams and felt the only way to get his attention was to throw beer bottles up on his balcony.

It worked. By this time, I was getting exhausted from this little dramatic performance and had gone inside to calm down. It was too late. The cops arrived at my door and what I didn’t know was that the idiot upstairs was friends with the one who showed up. Coincidence huh? So I was cuffed and led out to the cop car. Sounds easy huh? Oh no, not with me, I fought them the whole way. I decided I should continue to scream and then I thought it was necessary to tell the entire neighborhood how this idiot I was screwing liked his bung hole played with. Sitting in the back of the cop car my mouth still didn’t shut up.

I think I may have watched too many cop shows because I start to bang my head around and kick and thrash. My hands are locked behind me and I am still acting like a total and complete ass. However the worse is yet to come. So this cop gets into the car to take me to the slammer and I decide it is time to harass him.

Whatever possessed me that night, I hope never possesses me again! But, I start to tell this cop that he has a little cock and is probably a bad lay. Like I really know this?! I don’t say it once but I say it over and over again. I tell him how he probably can’t make a woman cum and I repeat how little his dick must be. He got the shits of this so he would speed up and then hit the breaks. They didn’t have me buckled in so I would fly around the backseat of that car. You would think that in itself would shut me up…. But nooooooo!!
So they take me to the judges house and he comes out in his jammies and talks to the cop and talks to me and then the cop gets back in the car and we head off again. Finally I had calmed down enough but it was too late!

I don’t remember much of how I got from the cop car to inside the jail. Actually, the next thing I remember is having reality set in and knowing that I was in deep shit. Of course now I am ready to bargain my way out of this… you know the whole I won’t do it again anymore so can I go home? I was actually doing really good emotionally until they finger printed me.

Then all hell broke loose inside of me. I couldn’t even look when they finger printed me and I was bawling hysterically. They then have to take a pic of my eye and how they ever got one through the tears, I don’t know. I know I was allowed to call someone and I called Kitty. I know I woke her up in the middle of the night. I was still pretty drunk and don’t remember our conversation too much other than me begging her to come get me.

It gets even more fun! Yea right!! They take me in this room and I am told I need to take all of my clothes off and step into the shower. I have to shower with a certain soap, naked in front of this lady. Ok, this is embarrassing enough but now it gets worse. When I come out of the shower, I have to stand naked in front of her and she asked me to lift my boobs up so she can see if I am smuggling anything in. Then I was asked to bend over and spread my ass cheeks apart. The humiliation. Unfreakingbelievable!! Of course, I am crying this entire time but this just works me up even more.

Then I was handed this beautiful jump suit in the color of pumpkin orange. I was placed in a cell with a bunch of other criminals. I was too scared to move. I sat on one spot and I didn’t move or look at anyone. I was afraid if I looked at someone that I would get knifed. Guess I forgot about the cavity search.

I was actually relieved when they took me to my own cell. To this day, I believe I was placed in a cell by myself for my own safety. I was such a baby that they probably worried someone would beat the shit out of me. So I am in this cell and it suddenly dawns on me that they might forget and leave me in here. What if they get me mixed up with someone else and I have to spend forever in here. Panic sets in. My only consolation is that Kitty knows I am here and hopefully she will fight to get me out. No, I know she will fight for me. I keep telling myself this over and over again.

Now I am at a point where I am bawling my eyes out again. This woman a few cells down starts telling everyone how she is sick and tired of these pansy women who come in for one night and act like it is the end of the world. She is going on and on about this and guess what? My big ass mouth decides to rear its ugly head again. So I yell down at her to shut her stupid dyke fucking mouth up. Where did that come from?

The guard comes back in and announces that it is shower time and she unlocks all of the cells. I start to panic! I just called this bitch a few cells down a stupid dyke fucker. Jesus please save me. Well, he was on my side this time because the guard asks me if I want to take another shower and I promptly tell her no and to please lock my door again.

Although it seems like eternity, I am shortly taken out and given my clothes back and the next thing is that I am escorted to the first set of door leading outside. So they lock you inside this set of doors and then they open the next set to let you outside. I am standing in the first set and panic sets back in. What if the doors don’t open? What if they decide I should stay? What if, what if, what if????

Finally the next set of doors open and I am free. I see my buddy sitting in her car and she was waiting for me with a pack of cigs and a soda. Damn, she knows me too well and how freaking thoughtful! I cry and cry and cry some more! I am embarrassed to show my face when I go home but she comes with me.

I know what freedom feels like and I will NEVER lose that again! I swear that I will never ever ever wear an orange jumpsuit again.

Your Jail Bird
Dreww

Some days I amaze myself at what a dumbass I can be! Somehow, some way, I really am not sure how but nonetheless, I lost the key to my mailbox. Now you would think that the landlord would have an extra set. So I sent my daughter (thank God she is home for break) to the rental place and they do not have a spare key. They tell her she needs to go to the post office for a spare key. So she goes to the post office and they tell her that they will have to change the whole lock because they DON’T have a spare key either. Now I know I am the dumbass that lost the key, BUT why am I the only one to have a key? Here I sit now with hives covering my chest and neck because I can’t believe what total idiot I am and wonder just how much this stupidity is going to cost me. UGH!

Now I will obsess about this thing until it is taken care of. I will consume my every thought with this and walk around a nervous wreck until the damn mailbox has been changed and I have a new key in hand. I’ll probably go home and search the entire house again. I think I threw it in the garbage with the junk mail. Damn the junk mail! Of course the garbage has already gone or I would have no problem rooting in it. Maybe I will head out to the county dump after work!

I don’t know why I let these little things drive me crazy like this at times. I think I have this fear of worse to come when something even minor happens in my life. I have become accustomed to bad luck following me. I may have strength, courage and even resilience but the only luck I have ever had was bad luck. So I start to worry right away when the first sign of bad luck begins to creep toward me.

I have owned four cars in my life and three of them had the transmissions go out on them. You think I must be hard on transmissions BUT my ex boyfriend was a mechanic and he said I drove like a granny and there was no way I had anything to do with those trannies going out. I hate to jinx myself but so far, yes I said so far, my current vehicle has been good to me. But, I also bought a stick and have saved enough money for a new clutch when the time does come.

I had a Honda and I loved that car but bad luck owned it! That car was hit so many times that we began to think it must have been invisible. Most of the hits were to the rear passenger doors. Three times people pulled out of parking lots and slammed into my rear passenger door. It was totaled one time when this kid (no license) took his parents land rover out for a joy ride and hit my parked car. He also kept on the gas and from the back of the car to the front, he demolished it. His parents had money and since the insurance wouldn’t cover it, they decided my car was worth only so much money and it wasn’t enough to buy a new car. My ex husband pulled enough dents out so I could open the doors and I drove that sucker for a few more years. The alignment was horrible and there was no way to ever fix it. I don’t know how it passed inspection!

Enough of this for one day….. I have something else I want to write about!

Dreww

I have come so far in my life in the last year. I had traveled a road that was leading nowhere fast. With the help of my wonderful, precious friends and family, I was able to overcome a horrible situation. I realize that there are many women out there who were and are probably in worse situations than I was. However, it was that type of thinking that kept me with my abuser. I kept thinking that since I hadn’t ended up in the emergency room with a broken jaw and my eyes swollen shut that MY abuse was not really abuse.

I also know that there are other women out there who can read about my abuse and say to themselves the same thing. It is not so my friends. No matter how “bad” the abuse becomes there are similarities with all of them as well as with the women in those situations.

First of all, we want to be loved and to love. We have this idea of what love is when in reality we have no idea. Let me explain… when he calls us 4 times a day, we think he loves us. Oh he cares so much about me that he can’t stop calling me. When he says he doesn’t want us wearing certain things we believe it is because he wants to keep us all to himself. Yeah right… just another way to control us. There are other things and these are minor compared to what will happen once we live with him.

When we live with him, he will control our every move. We will be told what we can wear. We will be called way more than the times he did before we moved in. We will learn to carry our cell phones from room to room fearing missing one of his calls. I once took a nap when he was supposed to go out with friends. I was exhausted from him keeping me up all night the night before when he had one of his tantrums. I laid the cell phone near my ear but for some reason, I did not hear it when he called. The next thing I know he comes flying into the house to see where and what I am doing. He ended up not going out that night and I ended up in more trouble.

He will keep tabs on every place we go and how long we are at these places. I once went tanning, to the pharmacy and grocery store within a 45 minute time period and still got accused of cheating on him. I explained I had the receipt from the drug store with the time stamp on it, as well as the one for the grocery store and we had to sign in when we went tanning. It didn’t matter to him.

We will live every moment fearing we will “set him off”. And as you well know, we have no control over his anger. We will wonder day after day what WE have done to make him lose control.

He will tell us how worthless we are and we are lucky he loves and accepts us because no one else would put up with us. He will convince us we are NOTHING! This is also his way to control us.

We will say we love him and that is the reason we won’t leave him. We will continue to hope day after day that he will see how much we love him and he will change. We excuse his actions because he was traumatized at some point in his life and he promises never to hurt us again.

So my fellow streamers, I do have a lot to be thankful this year. I was going to list them one by one but after I read Shane’s post today felt compelled to be more specific.

I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about the holidays this year. A few posts ago, I was feeling sorry for myself because I don’t have “real” family. What I have come to realize since then is that my friends have treated me wayyyyyy better than my “real” family ever did! When my friend’s son passed away, she told me I was family and was included in things only family would normally be. There is nothing my other friend would not do for me because she not only looks at me as her friend but she sees me forever in her life as I do her. We are family! My former in-laws have treated me as their own daughter and even though there will be times when I cannot attend “real” family events, they have shown over and over again that they love me as their own. And of course I have my children! Without my children I would not be whole and yet I once let a monster come between us. This year, I will spend Christmas with BOTH of my kids. Last year I did spend the holidays with them but not in our own place. I was still living with my mamaw and papaw at the time. The two Christmases before, I allowed that piece of shit to keep me from my daughter. This year, I will wake up with both of those kids, in our own place with our own tree on Christmas Day!

And I feel like celebrating!

After a conversation my daughter and I had earlier this week, I have decided to write about rudeness. I have tried to teach my children to take into consideration other people when they make decisions. Why is that so many people, young and old, have forgotten that they are not the only people in this world.

For example: My daughter is in college and shares a room with a girl who loves to party. My daughter enjoys a good party on occasion but realizes that her studies should come first. This girl parties a minimum of three times a week. She has never once asked my daughter if it is ok to have a bunch of drunks in their room. My daughter actually had to leave college on a Thursday because she had no place to sleep because of the party in her room. She missed her Friday class due to this. I contacted the campus police and was told that alcohol is absolute forbidden on campus no matter how old you are. Nothing was done! However, in the last week, two parties have been broken up on her floor with alcohol. The kids were let off with warnings.

If her roommate is not partying in her room, then she is having friends over and not going to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. BG can’t study in her room because of the noise and activity that is constantly there. This girl also throws everything everywhere in the room making it a total disaster.

Then there is the girl that I work with and she is a chain smoker. Now the hospital I work for has a policy that you cannot wear anything that smells INCLUDING coming to work smelling like cigarette smoke. We work in a small area and within a few minutes of coming to work, my eyes burn and water. Within an hour, I begin to lose my voice. The smell is so bad that other people in other depts. come into our area and ask about the smell. She coughs this terrible loud cough all day long. Now the worst part is that she is the one that complains that someone in our area wears lotion with a scent.

Neighbors…. Recently had new neighbors move in. I understand that it takes some time to get the lay of the land when you move into a new place. When I moved there, I took the time to see where everyone parked and made sure I didn’t park in “their” area just out of courtesy. Now this lady moves in and I can barely find a parking space because she has two cars and has her drinking buddies over every night. We aren’t allowed to have more than two cars parked up there but I am not going to complain about this. It is petty but it is also stuff that makes you wonder what happened to people just plain being considerate of others.

I could go on and on but I am at work and soon off of lunch break. I imagine that some of this seems petty but you know what?????? When it keeps adding up over time you wonder when did we lose common respect for each other?

Dreww

p/s My friend whose son died has a stepson whose best friend committed suicide a day after the funeral. The brother of the guy who killed himself was at a bar the other night. Some guy comes up to him after overhearing a conversation and says... "hey tomorrow I get to throw dirt on your brother".. seems he works for the cemetery. Why in the hell would you say something like this???

I go from talking about sex to funerals. Something just doesn't seem right about the whole thing but then again, I never claimed to be right in the head!

Today was a horrible day! The weather including! It didn't just rain all day, it poured buckets of water. We had a tornado watch as well as flash flooding. So needless to say, we were all drenched by the time the burial was over. And my umbrella did the turn-inside out thingy. Don't you love it when they do that!

Today was very very hard. Probably the hardest of the days so far. It just broke me to pieces to see my friend sitting there mourning the death of her son. I wanted so badly to take her pain away. It was a military service and when those guns fire, it just immediately brings you to tears.

I plan on spending a lot of time with her in the next few weeks. She was busy the last few days and didn't have a lot of time to let things set in but she will have more and more time on her hands soon.

I want to thank all of you who have shown your concern and given us your prayers. Having everyone on here to just be myself and let whatever the heck I am feeling or feel like saying out has been wonderful. A friend suggested this for me and I thought she was nuts at first. But as a good friend, sometimes she knows what is best for me before I do.

Oh and the wine has been put away! No need to drown one's sorrows in alcohol no matter how easy that may be. So I do appreciate your concern but I won't become a bottle baby! Promise!!

Now I am exhausted and will be heading to bed shortly. To all of you out there I want to say one final thing before nighty night. Appreciate every single moment you have with those you care about. I have stated this time and time again that I live every day like this BUT even today I feel like I could be better at it. I plan on making MORE time for all of the wonderful people in my life. I will make more phone calls "just for the heck of it". I will say "I love you" one more time than I usually do. I will give more hugs and kisses! And I will tell them how much they mean to me as often as it takes for them to believe I truly mean it!

Goodnight new friends,

Dreww