When I was walking tonight I was trying to think of something to put in my blog. I had just finished reading a really good blog earlier in the day. She had a great life. She had a life that only I could dream of and it was like a fairy tale story reading about it. I can't wait for the next chapter!

My life has pretty much been the opposite of this blogger I will refer to as Ms. Lucky. She is educated, has a stable family life, a good executive job with a great looking and wonderful fiance. Of course she has had her share of sorrow. I am happy to read about someone that is able to have a life like that and still sound like a good person. She doesn't come off as a snot. She is genuine and I like her.

But nonetheless, my life is boring in comparison. BLAH, DULL, and believe me, there is little excitement going on in this house! I would like to have some excitement in my life but mine usually comes in the form of drama. And I hope I am done with that for a long while. I am sure as time goes one, you will read about all of the "dramas" in my life. Perhaps it will be my way of personal therapy.

However for tonight, I have decided to introduce you to my friend Kitty. Kitty is my best friend. I am not hers and I am all right with that. But I believe she referred to me as her "online" friend in a blog one time when I forgot her birthday. If it was me she was referring to, it hurt. It stung real bad! Kitty would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt me. She is one of three people in my life that I trust totally. I know no matter what, they will always be there for me. And believe me, I have put all three of them to the test!

I actually met Kitty online. That is a longggggggg story and I am not sure Kitty wants me airing it here even if it is anonymous. Any way, when I first moved out of my home and into an apartment during my divorce, I had very little. I didn't even have a TV. So our first meeting was Kitty coming to my apartment and giving me one of her TVs she was not using. Now this is only the beginning of her compassion and caring she has for her friends.

Our friendship grew very strong and when looking back, I was the taker most of the time. Ok probably 90% of the time. I was pretty darn needy when I was first divorced but she held my hand and comforted me and kept me busy and simply was always there. There was nothing she wouldn't do for me. The more stories I tell you about my life, you will see the extent of her friendship.

No matter what she did for me there was that day when I betrayed her. How could I do it, I even ask myself that to this day. She says she has forgiven me but I know I have lost some of her trust.

I wanted so badly to be loved. I wanted a man that I could call my own and he would never want anyone but me. I wanted this so bad that I would eventually nearly lose everyone I loved in the process. But the first to go was Kitty.

I'll call him Devil.... oh ok... let's see.... I know,DICK. We'll refer to him as Dick. Well, Dick eventually ended up becoming my abuser. Anyone that knows anything about abuse knows one of the first steps an abuser takes is controlling his/her victim. He convinced me that my relationship with Kitty was not a healthy one and was going to be hard to keep since I now had him in my life.

She called.... I didn't answer.... She called.... I didn't answer... She called... I didn't answer... You get the idea and so did Kitty one day. The funny thing is that she never gave up hope even in the 2 years that I abandoned her. An even funnier thing is that when I needed help again, she was there with no hesitation.

When I finally left Dick, I called her and asked for her help. I KNEW that no matter what I had done, she would always be there for me. How many people can say that about someone in their lives? I know that she would sacrifice whatever it took to help a friend. There were many times I didn't appreciate her in the beginning of our friendship. I think I took her for granted. I don't take her for granted anymore. Kitty is a good friend. Kitty is a GREAT friend. Kitty is what all friendships should be measured by.

She is way too hard on herself though. She can accept people for who they are and yet she can't see the beauty in herself. I know she struggles internally with a lot of things. I know she beats herself up with emotions she feels and thinks she shouldn't. I know she has made mistakes in life and will continue to do so only because she is human. But try and tell her that.... sometimes she does frustrate me!

I love you my dear friend!

You certainly shouldn't stay with someone that is abusive in any way towards you. You shouldn't stay in a relationship that you feel lonely even when you are together. That is how my 13 year marriage was and I don't regret the divorce. I know it was best for the two of us. If your husband is still someone you go to when you feel down or just that someone when you need a hug is always there, then there is hope.

I don't believe in staying in an unhappy marriage just because single life is pretty darn scary. But I do believe in counseling if there is a problem with hope. And I do believe that sometimes all we need to do is really sit back and appreciate each other. Just put yourself in your spouses shoes for one day and try to look at all they do and be grateful you have someone there to do it with you.

I think a lot of marriages hit a rock when they start to have "expectations" of each other. I know we should have certain things we expect from every relationship we are in. My point is that when we start to expect things without ever conveying what it is we truly want and need. And by the way is it something we WANT or something we NEED. We all want our spouse to put the toilet seat down but we need them to be there when the times get rough.

What it boils down to is this... when you are looking into his eyes for the very last time, will it really matter if he left his stinky socks laying on the living room floor every single day of your entire marriage no matter how many times you begged him not to. Or will you look into his eyes and remember the first time you made love, the births of your children, trying to make it through those times when you felt there was no hope, how about the time your babies graduated and you suddenly felt old and boy where had time gone. Will you remember how he held you and comforted you when you lost your parents? Will you remember those grandbabies and how you both spoiled them rotten. Or will you remember those stinky socks laying in the living room?

I never had this sort of love in my marriage so it wasn't like giving up anything. But take a good look at your own life and be careful about what decisions you make in it. Be careful about the things that bother you. Remember that life is short, so very short and why not be happy and enjoy it. If it means leaving the marriage to do so, then by all means pack your bags and make a new start. If it means simply stopping and looking around you and realizing just how good life is, then for God's sake do so!

Hello Everyone….

I swore I would never ever find myself on a love ad again. Guess what I did last week!!?? I am frustrated that I broke a promise to myself and yet I feel there is no other way to “find” someone.

I have been divorced for six years now and when I first left my husband I had big dreams. I just KNEW that I would find the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And I KNEW it would happen immediately. I had dreams, big dreams.

Over the last six years I have gone from dreaming to becoming involved in an abusive relationship to learning how to stand on my own two feet once again to giving up hope and back to praying that there is that someone out there. I know without a doubt that I am more than capable of taking care of myself and enjoying life to a certain extent without a man in it. I don’t care what others say but I do want to be in a relationship again… I do want to get married and I do want to give all of this love I have inside. I DON’T need a person to take care of me and I am comfortable with who I am and wanting and desiring someone does not make me weak as some would say.

I look at people that are married and watch how they treat their spouse and I hear the things they say about them. I can’t help but think that they don’t know how lucky they are to have someone that cares for them. They don’t understand what it is like to be hitting 40 and wondering if you are going to be sitting in that rocking chair on the porch by yourself. They simply just don’t appreciate each other and it makes me sad.

I am not trying to sound depressing or depressed. I am by far not depressed. I love my life and feel so fortunate to have things that many take for granted. When I go to bed at night I am truly grateful for the new beginning I have been given. I just have that one unanswered wish!